Struggling with the idea of grace

I’ve reached a spiritual reckoning. Never really having understood the concept of the Trinity, my ignorance hasn’t once directly affected life. Like the infield fly rule or how to change the oil on a Lamborghini.

God, no god? Three guys, one guy? A bird?

Grace, on the other hand, has made a few spontaneous appearances and had a direct effect. I think. Some might label its arrival a coincidence. Others would call it divine intervention. I believe in the first and struggle with the second. Believing my experiences demonstrate neither, if only because I presume the bestowing of grace is uniquely reserved for Mary of Nazareth, and always delivered by the bird, I occupy a calculus of gibberish best described as a chaos of coincidence.

No joke. No offense. Complex.

Luck

In 1994, I left a secure job to found a small business. In hindsight, with three kids, a loving wife, two cars, a mortgage and little savings, the decision proved fruitful. The risk, looking back, demonstrated extraordinary overreach. Despite each of the three partners having a strong network, energy, talent and youth on our side, we should never have billed one million dollars in our first year.

I’ve written of startup luck before. Every startup, no matter the talent, planning and capital, requires a little luck, but luck isn’t grace no mattered how spiritually capitalized the businessperson. Grace, to me, is a one to one phenomenon. Mary bestows it individually. Mostly to save lives. Grace never appears on a balance sheet.

No joke. No offense. Complex.

Slaughtered lambs

With increased income comes an opportunity for one’s character defects to run amok. Some people itch. Some people scratch. Others rip scabs off their souls. Big scabs. Covering sink holes. Addiction, if not already present in the leper’s life, often arrives like the prodigal son. Slaughtered lambs spin on a spit. Casks of wine become never-ending wells. Mental illness dances.

No joke. No offense. Complex. Pity loathed. Fully accountable.

“Give me a fifth of tequila and call the cops”

I drank alone. Usually in the middle of a walkabout. Usually in New York City, during overnight business trips. I could go weeks without drinking but, once alone, I could make friends in bars throughout the city. I’m a happy, friendly drunk. Eventually though, I would black out, often waking up on a park bench or sidewalk. Sometimes prodded by a relatively friendly nightstick.

Tequila, rubbed on scabs, often results in the boys in blue showing up to make suggestions.

No joke. No offense. Complex.

Suspicion all around

I hid the problem well, I thought. The vindictiveness, paranoia, obsessive behavior, unchecked mouth, awful hygiene, overbearing manner, manic episodes and blackout depressions were normal, I thought.

Nobody knew. Not my family, friends, employees or clients. I hid it all. So well, I hid it from myself. Seven years into owning my business, with a growing suspicion that alcohol might be a problem, and ever-worsening unmedicated mood disturbances, I left my partner spontaneously, taking my equity, with no idea what was next.

No joke. No offense. Complex.

Invitation to experience grace

One month into my next life, I received a lunch invitation from a business associate I barely knew and never expected to see again. A tiny, quiet, compulsively organized, reserved, Ivy-league educated Muslim doctor offered to spring for a nice Italian meal. Confusion followed. We could never be friends.

Sharing pleasantries, she got down to business quickly. Intimating that, due to its sensitive nature, she had never shared the following information with any colleagues, but she felt my life hinged on this disclosure: eleven years of recovery from drug addiction and alcoholism. I was astonished.

Quickly thereafter, we agreed that she’d never seen me drunk, nor did a family member, friend or colleague suggest that she intervene. She’d never seen the scabs. Never shared a slaughtered lamb. Knew nothing of the nightsticks.

No coincidence. Not luck. Math suggests grace appeared.

I have been sober since January 10, 2002.

Need words? Make contact.

Portfolio and list of services

Newsletter: Sugary candy for the soul

I don’t teach, preach or sell hard. I do send out silly ten second stories about people, places and things.

November 2022
- Nov 24, 2022 The scroll of Kerouac's soul Nov 24, 2022
October 2022
- Oct 3, 2022 A brother helping me remain in light Oct 3, 2022
September 2022
- Sep 1, 2022 Ten things to never say to a new car salesperson Sep 1, 2022
August 2022
- Aug 1, 2022 The question of an evolving identity made whole by street artists and vandals Aug 1, 2022
July 2022
- Jul 4, 2022 The warmth of knowing my baseball glove is in the sweater drawer Jul 4, 2022
June 2022
- Jun 2, 2022 Sonny Rollins standing on the bridge in Giverny Jun 2, 2022
May 2022
- May 1, 2022 Sitting in front of forever May 1, 2022
April 2022
- Apr 2, 2022 A temple, a church, a synagogue or an artist’s studio? Apr 2, 2022
March 2022
- Mar 2, 2022 Foghorn Leghorn inside the flower garden of the mind Mar 2, 2022
February 2022
- Feb 6, 2022 My first cup of Tibetan butter tea Feb 6, 2022
January 2022
- Jan 4, 2022 Dancing is better with a corn dog in each hand Jan 4, 2022
December 2021
- Dec 1, 2021 Even Edgar Degas made mistakes Dec 1, 2021
November 2021
- Nov 2, 2021 Running shoes, rhetoric, hyperbole and the dog with the human head Nov 2, 2021
October 2021
- Oct 2, 2021 Still life painting at 36 Via Fondazza Oct 2, 2021
September 2021
- Sep 19, 2021 True creative genius Sep 19, 2021
August 2021
- Aug 17, 2021 "Sometimes you need to just lay on the sidewalk and bleed for a little bit" Aug 17, 2021
July 2021
- Jul 12, 2021 Dozens of worn-out couches in a true art house Jul 12, 2021
June 2021
- Jun 14, 2021 Daft Punk Frida Jun 14, 2021
May 2021
- May 17, 2021 Eating cake in a cemetery May 17, 2021
April 2021
- Apr 8, 2021 Mindfulness, meditation, a drum circle and the yellow doves of Mount Airy Apr 8, 2021
March 2021
- Mar 9, 2021 That diner in Brighton Mar 9, 2021
February 2021
- Feb 17, 2021 Tibet via North Philadelphia Feb 17, 2021
January 2021
- Jan 11, 2021 Bukowski is family Jan 11, 2021
December 2020
- Dec 23, 2020 Mindfulness, meditation, parking meters, poems, love notes and library books Dec 23, 2020
November 2020
- Nov 16, 2020 Six tongues and the sugar face Nov 16, 2020
October 2020
- Oct 20, 2020 Tequila, cops and grace Oct 20, 2020
September 2020
- Sep 25, 2020 Feeling the machinery Sep 25, 2020
August 2020
- Aug 17, 2020 The futile fury of a final letter Aug 17, 2020
July 2020
- Jul 4, 2020 It all begins with the word Jul 4, 2020
June 2020
- Jun 19, 2020 Hate in the abstract. Love in the specific. Jun 19, 2020
May 2020
- May 19, 2020 Dirty hands drawing a circle May 19, 2020
April 2020
- Apr 19, 2020 A singularity built from many pieces Apr 19, 2020
- Apr 14, 2020 Resurgent feelings and the Bowery's Blitzkrieg Bopper Apr 14, 2020
- Apr 5, 2020 Channeling my inner Iggy for the third time Apr 5, 2020
March 2020
- Mar 24, 2020 A golden eagle's echo will carry forever Mar 24, 2020
February 2020
- Feb 21, 2020 Seven crappy poems Feb 21, 2020
- Feb 11, 2020 Words from the white space Feb 11, 2020
- Feb 5, 2020 Bursting between the beasts Feb 5, 2020
January 2020
- Jan 30, 2020 Mindfulness, meditation and the Yah-Yah contraption figure Jan 30, 2020
- Jan 22, 2020 The Beastie Boys, potato salad, the number 12 and a phone call from a Buddhist monk Jan 22, 2020
- Jan 16, 2020 Mindfulness, meditation, nevermindishness and nothingness Jan 16, 2020
- Jan 8, 2020 Glibquip Jan 8, 2020
- Jan 6, 2020 DeSoi versus Hemingway Jan 6, 2020
- Jan 5, 2020 Hating happy cats Jan 5, 2020
December 2019
- Dec 31, 2019 Baked beans and ice cream Dec 31, 2019
- Dec 27, 2019 Zen and the little blue box Dec 27, 2019
- Dec 20, 2019 About the power of symbols Dec 20, 2019
- Dec 13, 2019 Obscure references lend credibility, especially when you make them up Dec 13, 2019
- Dec 9, 2019 Three fingers tickling the air Dec 9, 2019
- Dec 5, 2019 Sunday dinner at the DiGiulios Dec 5, 2019
November 2019
- Nov 26, 2019 One man's silly secret to writing an online dating profile Nov 26, 2019
- Nov 20, 2019 Burning man at Burning Man Nov 20, 2019
- Nov 18, 2019 A didgeridoo full of goo Nov 18, 2019
- Nov 16, 2019 Two thousand words from the future Nov 16, 2019
- Nov 14, 2019 Every scar is cool Nov 14, 2019
- Nov 12, 2019 Daily affirmations and anonymous encouragement taped to the back of a stop sign Nov 12, 2019
- Nov 10, 2019 Willem de Kooning’s women have jacked-up teeth Nov 10, 2019
- Nov 8, 2019 Flames, bikers, bras, jaws, Jack, Lemmy and liquor Nov 8, 2019
- Nov 6, 2019 I met a German vegetarian in an Italian butcher shop Nov 6, 2019
- Nov 4, 2019 Art + money + object = fetish Nov 4, 2019
- Nov 2, 2019 Ferried on the fingertip wings of an angel Nov 2, 2019
October 2019
- Oct 31, 2019 Cyclops @ night Oct 31, 2019
- Oct 29, 2019 Nietzsche was wrong about almost everything Oct 29, 2019
- Oct 27, 2019 A singular reason to hate social media Oct 27, 2019
- Oct 25, 2019 Mindfulness, meditation, chance and The Village Vanguard Oct 25, 2019
- Oct 23, 2019 Umbilical Oct 23, 2019
- Oct 21, 2019 The curve of a single elegant line Oct 21, 2019
- Oct 19, 2019 Five Boro Flamingo Oct 19, 2019
- Oct 17, 2019 Mistress and wife to the same musician Oct 17, 2019
- Oct 15, 2019 A python named Tom and a Toyota test drive Oct 15, 2019
- Oct 13, 2019 Sweetie pie and the sugary fire Oct 13, 2019
- Oct 9, 2019 A great artist doesn't need to leave a single great artwork in his wake Oct 9, 2019
- Oct 7, 2019 Eleven effective ways to control the tempo of negotiations with a car salesperson Oct 7, 2019
September 2019
- Sep 28, 2019 What to expect from the dealer trade vehicle evaluation Sep 28, 2019
- Sep 24, 2019 Three stories being told at once Sep 24, 2019
August 2019
- Aug 24, 2019 Thirty years away from the Blues Aug 24, 2019
July 2019
- Jul 22, 2019 Ten hours in Madrid Jul 22, 2019
- Jul 11, 2019 When life slows down to let you take a look Jul 11, 2019
- Jul 6, 2019 The Buddhist Manager Jul 6, 2019
- Jul 2, 2019 The perfect, hopeful, subversive headbanger Jul 2, 2019
June 2019
- Jun 27, 2019 Scribbleheads Jun 27, 2019
- Jun 24, 2019 Myth of the Knotdog Jun 24, 2019
- Jun 19, 2019 Dream of the Zen Blue Hat Jun 19, 2019
- Jun 16, 2019 Sleeping dogs and the power of forgiveness Jun 16, 2019
- Jun 12, 2019 Skate Hog Jun 12, 2019
- Jun 9, 2019 I type with two middle fingers Jun 9, 2019
- Jun 5, 2019 Hillbillies love Salvador Dali Jun 5, 2019
- Jun 1, 2019 The single most important thing a prospective Fordham University parent needs to know Jun 1, 2019
May 2019
- May 31, 2019 The accidental copywriter May 31, 2019
- May 28, 2019 Five 70s albums every Millennial should listen to this weekend May 28, 2019
- May 15, 2019 Five secrets to writing a moving love letter May 15, 2019